Measure of a Man: Engines, Mileage, Mufflers and More
I have a few important men in my life that are all very diverse. In order to size them up, I have used the relationships that each of them has with autos in order to understand them a little better.
My own father has ever been really outdoorsy, which suited him perfectly. He worked as a biologist, but is retired nowadays. Pick up a fossil here; chipping a rock there, that’s my dad. He never managed to acquire any warmth for machinery. He was brought up by his parents to act like a gentleman, but engines and geartrains appeared to produce the worst in him. I have early memories of him cussing the Industrial Age as he was bent over an engine.
Dad would switch tires on our VW camper vans when necessary, but would never have been one to fawn over chrome grill work or aftermarket center caps. He might pour some water in the radiator or dab Rust-oleum on rusted spots on our van, but scrubbing headlights with toothbrushes or running Q-Tips around dashboard knobs were not affairs that occurred in our garage.
My father-in-law, on the other hand, is a car man all the way. He knows make, model and year of everything that’s probably ever traveled the Pennsylvania turnpike. Scrubbing whitewalls or ogling a 1962 Chevy at the Antique Car Club show is his thought of a well-spent Saturday.
He graduated rapidly from a pacifier to a pitchfork and wrench while growing up in a rural area of Pennsylvania. Learning all about animal husbandry and the ABCs of mechanics was expected of young farm boys. His interest in things with gadgets, wheels, and motors seemed to stick even though any fondness for animals did not. He made the decision to leave the farm and go to college and he never looked back.
My hubby is a professor, just like his father and my father, but that is where their similarities end. He doesn’t meticulously clean his cars, collect rocks, or go camping. He likes to spend Saturdays enjoy coffee at a local Starbuck, grading papers, and catching up with friends on Facebook.
He keeps his car full of petrol, but would probably use his American Racing center caps as door stops in his office rather than pimp his ride with them. No disrespect if you’re a center cap mind you. He takes the time to vacuum-clean his car every other season and doesn’t mind riding around with the words “wash me” scrawled someplace in the dirt on his car.
The young man that my daughter dates is a pepped up version of my father-in-law. When I have the opportunity, I am going to send them to an auto parts store together so they can quickly bond. My daughter gave her boyfriend a performance exhaust kit for his birthday and he is excited that the tailpipe growls deeply. He says it lets everybody know he’s arrived. My daughter smiles saying, “I can hear him coming from more than a mile away.” It’s obvious that she’s in the throes of young love!
It’s true that men and the relationships they have with their automobiles are complicated. It seems that their relationships can be an expression of some men’s masculinity, while other men handle their cars as an opponent that’s a nuisance that must be conquered or suffered.
Some men blaspheme their cars and others name them. Some men give their cars plenty of TLC while some campaign for bragging rights because their vehicle has the highest mileage or is the most beat up. Men swap car stories over beers, just like war stories are shared at the campfire.
Why else would the auto industry regularly sell billions of dollars in decals, auto alarms, hoods, tailpipes, center caps, dashboard accessories, trick headlights, window tint, backup sensors, seat covers, rims, and chrome?
Whether the wheels in the driveway are fodder for cussing or cooing, I believe there’s some inevitable mechanical mojo going on – something akin to “If you build it, he will come.”